Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day for the Behaviorally Challenged




I like to think I’m fairly low-maintenance.  I don’t require endless hair and nail appointments.  I rarely go on ‘shopping excursions,’ and I do not expect flowers and lavish gifts on Valentine’s Day.  Because of this, I think my family feels they get a free pass to put in minimum effort on every front.
Normally, I don’t mind.  I don’t care if I’m catered to on my birthday or anniversary.  And it’s no big deal if I don’t get showered in adoration for the posh birthday parties I throw for the kids (although a "thank you" would be nice.)  But there is one deal-breaker:
Mother’s Day.
I will cook, clean, wipe bums and make beds every single day of the year.  But not that day.  So, although I don’t expect to be lavished in expensive baubles this Mother’s Day, there is a short list of things I do expect:
 1. Make your own bed.

You can do it.  I know you can. Even though this is a service that is usually provided for you, it really doesn’t take much effort to pull up a sheet and quilt in an orderly and wrinkle-free fashion.  And don’t forget the pillows.

2. Mediate your own arguments.

I will not play the role of arbitrator today.  The easiest way to avoid any need for a referee is if each person plays with/touches only his/her own stuff.  It’s also helpful to avoid any contact or personal interaction with any other family member.  If a disagreement over a certain toy/activity cannot be avoided, go see your father.  Just know that he will probably throw away the toy in question, or ban said activity from ever happening again (up to and including playing anything in the house.)

3.  Be your own medic.

Unless there is the possibility of limb amputation, I will not be attending to any cuts, bumps, scrapes or bruises.  Please be careful.  Also, if amputation does become an issue, go see your father.  He may have the bedside manner of Nurse Ratched, but he will be the one to take you to the urgent care.



4.  Do not disturb my nap.

On this day, I plan to take a nap, by myself, in peace and quiet.  This plan will require certain adjustments to your behavior (see 2 and 3 above.)  In addition, there is an expectation on my part that you will use your inside voice.  I realize that an inside voice may not fulfill my wish for a peaceful rest, so it may be wise to implement the “Irish whisper.”  Also, not talking at all is an option you may want to consider.


5.  All stabby toys should be removed from my bed.

This is essential for the implementation of number 4 above, and should not require any further explanation, however, an illustration is provided below:


What would make your Mother’s Day perfect?

20 comments:

  1. I'm getting the whole weekend off! I got to sleep in until TEN THIRTY this morning. Holy cow. It was a religious experience. haha. Enjoy your nap and Happy Mother's day!

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  2. Good rules! For me a perfect mothers day would involve a healthy family and lots and lots of sleep and good food (with no calories!) lol.

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  3. Robyn, ALL food on Mother's Day has no calories! Didn't you get the memo?

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  4. And Benadryl. Don't forget the Benadryl...

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  5. Nowadays, I don't think I can be trusted with an entire weekend. I think it
    would end in empty wine bottles and shopping bags strewn about, while I lay
    passed out on the couch...

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  6. Adrienne ScanlonMay 8, 2011 at 9:25 AM

    LOVE this! I'm very low maintenance on holidays too ~ my 'big treat' today is a nice long game of scrabble with BOTH of my kids TOGETHER in the house for the same meal/activity at the same time....no fiances, girlfriends or laptops invited!

    Happy Mother's Day!

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  7. Sounds perfect! But you forgot about the nap. And the cocktails. Although
    the absence of "the others" kinda makes up for that...

    Have a great day - I'll cross my fingers for a triple word score!

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  8. I got some craft kid cards and stuff. Then took a little snooze. Then later? I got to mow the lawn. I'm soooooo spoiled, it's insane.

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  9. Oooh, you lucky girl! I got the stink-eye from Derek for not going with him
    to visit my MIL. Fortunately, I have no conscience...

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  10. I would take the weekend that I got - but without the sunburn. There was a delicious breakfast at a delicious bistro (that also came with a delicious price). There was garden shopping. Then there was gardening. And sun for the first time in approximately 1234854324 days {I'm in central NY} that did not come with its own supply of rain. :) And then...there was more gardening. And the MIL made dinner. Then...I got to read a few pages from Two Kisses for Maddy by @mattlogelin . So what I'm saying is....best. day. ever!

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  11. I seriously LOL'd at this post. I like how your husband throws away objects to stop the fighting over it. That's me. All this yelling over a Happy Meal toy? Chucked.

    Happy OMG-leave-me-alone Day!

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  12. WhymotherseattheiryoungMay 9, 2011 at 4:57 PM

    Finding like-minded mom (feel free to interpret "like-minded" as women-on-the-edge-of sanity ready to clonk you kids heads together and set your partner's nose hair on fire). Loved your post!
    Come by and share my unique place in chaos:
    www.whymotherseattheiryoung.blogspot.com

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  13. Yes, why is it that the low-maintenance of us get shat upon every holiday of the year? Step it up a notch people! Ah, a nap. That sounds lovely. I hope you enjoyed yours.

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  14. I count it as a win if I don't eat my young.

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  15. Seriously, sometimes I have to stop him and remind him that WE SPENT MONEY
    on that stuff! I don't care about the small stuff, but when he's about to
    chuck fifty bucks worth of Star Wars toys, I feel I have to intervene.

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  16. Well, I may be low-maintenance, but I can be counted on to throw out the
    occasional "passive-aggressive" comment now and then to keep everybody in
    check. Guilt is a very powerful tool if used judiciously...

    As for the nap, it WAS lovely! Then I woke up and was forced to interact
    with crying children. So...there's that...

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  17. I only take the occasional bite. Would that be considered breaking even?

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  18. Ha Ha!! No stabby toys in the bed! Nothing like trying to take a nap and rolling over on a toy.  

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  19. Sadly, it happens in this house more often than not. AND the toys
    pictured are the exact ones that are the repeat offenders!

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Even the shortest comment assures me that people other than my sister are reading this...

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