Technical Difficulties

After a series of mini panic attacks, I was happy to have ridden the wave and come out relatively unscathed.

Then the ‘big one’ came rumbling through.

Luckily, Derek was there to talk me down from the proverbial ledge, and the anxiety has ebbed back down to a low ‘hum.’

Still, while the *humming* continues, I feel like I need to take a step back from a few things and focus on getting the beast back in it’s cage.

So while I am basket-weaving, hiding in my closet and talking to my dog, I hope you’ll bear with me here.

I’ll still be lurking around, trying to re-work a few things and stay in the loop, but right now, I kinda feel a little like this:

Thanks to everybody for your awesome support and understanding...

~ Chris xx

Mother's Day for the Behaviorally Challenged

I like to think I’m fairly low-maintenance.  I don’t require endless hair and nail appointments.  I rarely go on ‘shopping excursions,’ and I do not expect flowers and lavish gifts on Valentine’s Day.  Because of this, I think my family feels they get a free pass to put in minimum effort on every front.

Normally, I don’t mind.  I don’t care if I’m catered to on my birthday or anniversary.  And it’s no big deal if I don’t get showered in adoration for the posh birthday parties I throw for the kids (although a "thank you" would be nice.)  But there is one deal-breaker:

Mother’s Day.

I will cook, clean, wipe bums and make beds every single day of the year.  But not that day.  So, although I don’t expect to be lavished in expensive baubles this Mother’s Day, there is a short list of things I do expect:

 1. Make your own bed.

You can do it.  I know you can. Even though this is a service that is usually provided for you, it really doesn’t take much effort to pull up a sheet and quilt in an orderly and wrinkle-free fashion.  And don’t forget the pillows.

2. Mediate your own arguments.

I will not play the role of arbitrator today.  The easiest way to avoid any need for a referee is if each person plays with/touches only his/her own stuff.  It’s also helpful to avoid any contact or personal interaction with any other family member.  If a disagreement over a certain toy/activity cannot be avoided, go see your father.  Just know that he will probably throw away the toy in question, or ban said activity from ever happening again (up to and including playing anything in the house.)

3.  Be your own medic.

Unless there is the possibility of limb amputation, I will not be attending to any cuts, bumps, scrapes or bruises.  Please be careful.  Also, if amputation does become an issue, go see your father.  He may have the bedside manner of Nurse Ratched, but he will be the one to take you to the urgent care.

4.  Do not disturb my nap.

On this day, I plan to take a nap, by myself, in peace and quiet.  This plan will require certain adjustments to your behavior (see 2 and 3 above.)  In addition, there is an expectation on my part that you will use your inside voice.  I realize that an inside voice may not fulfill my wish for a peaceful rest, so it may be wise to implement the “Irish whisper.”  Also, not talking at all is an option you may want to consider.

5.  All stabby toys should be removed from my bed.

This is essential for the implementation of number 4 above, and should not require any further explanation, however, an illustration is provided below:

What would make your Mother’s Day perfect?

Stop Making It So Easy, Gwyneth!

So, in a recent interview, Gwyneth Paltrow explained away her critics, detractors and downright haters by saying this:

“I think my work ethic is the reason why I'm successful. I think that a lot of people don't want to put in effort and it's easier to not change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out. [They're just] pissed off at someone else doing that.”

Turns out, that is not a great way to make friends and influence people.

You might upset the commoners.

It’s not that Gwynnie is without achievement.  She’s an Oscar winning actress, cookbook author, and budding singer.  Not to mention a deliriously happy wife and mother of two.

Oh, and did I forget to include that she is also the proud parent of a website that offers it’s readers advice about what to cook, where to go, what to buy, what to do, and what to see?  Micromanage your supporters much?

She seems to think that with a little hard work and gumption, these things are attainable for everybody.  If we would just get off our collective asses and stop focusing our attention on bitching about her.  (And for Cripes sake, do a colon cleanse once in a while you nasty bitches!)

The thing is, when you’re born on third base and helped along in your acting career by your ‘Uncle Steven” (Spielberg,) in your foray into publishing by ‘Dad’ (famous TV director Bruce Paltrow,) and nudged forward to a singing stint by the ‘hubs’ (Coldplay frontman Chris Martin,) it’s kinda hard to hit a foul.

All that aside, I think the worst offense is that she’s applauding herself for working out, cooking healthy family meals, juggling her career and raising her children in a nurturing environment.  Isn’t that what the rest of us do every day?  Without nannies?

Alas, she takes her critics with a grain of salt because, according to her, 

“We live in a world now where everybody is able to express their opinion, and If everyone has an opinion then no one has an opinion. Ultimately, it's not about me.”

So if we’re not born into fame and/or wealth and have the audacity to express our opinion, it ruins it for the rest of you.  Well played, Gwyneth.  Well played.

I may not be ‘better’ than Gwyneth - my kids eat the occasional Happy Meal, I am known for running out the door without a proper preening, and most days the only exercise I get is in the form of vacuuming and making beds.

But at least I’ve never called my dead grandmother a c*nt. ***

(***her comment is about 4 mins in)